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The Story Behind What Inspired This Painting:
About two years ago, a good priest friend of mine asked me to paint about what St. Augustine had to leave behind to become Christian. It was an interesting prompt, but I couldn't think of anything more sophisticated than the classic image of St. Augustine sitting beneath the garden tree when he heard the mysterious voice say, "Tolle lege" ("take up and read"). St. Augustine is famous for his memoir The Confessions, which details his lifelong journey towards Christ and wrestles with philosophical themes such as intellectual will versus grace. However, one of the most well-known aspects of St. Augustine's story is his struggle to let go of a lustful and promiscuous lifestyle in order to give himself to Christianity. Interested in diving deeper into his story, I picked up the book again and revisited the events leading up to and after his decision to become baptized. What struck me while reading his story is that, contrary to popular belief, lust was not the primary sin Augustine had to leave behind. Rather, it seemed like the sin Augustine struggled most to leave behind (or at least, an overlooked aspect of what he had to leave behind) was the sin of vanity, which manifested itself through people pleasing in an educational career culture that robbed him of his dignity and left him burnt out. This painting considers St. Augustine's struggle with intellectual vanity, his struggle to leave unhealthy people behind, and how vanity can twist itself into our own lives in debilitating ways.
In the days and moments leading up to Augustine's decision to become baptized, Augustine felt tortured by his status as a prestigious intellectual figure. Shortly before surrendering to God's grace, Augustine said to his friend Alypius, "What is wrong with us? ... The unlearned start up and take heaven by force; and we, with all our learning, but lacking heart, wallow in flesh and blood!" (Augustine 146). He then fell into a passionate fury in which "[Alypius] stood looking at me in astonished silence. For it was not my usual tone, and my forehead, my cheeks, eyes, color, the tone of my voice -- all expressed my emotion more than the words. ... But I was mad to be whole and dying to live" (Augustine 146-147). Augustine's raw and honest reflection of his pre-conversion interior crisis provides a challenge to modern education, especially Catholic education. St. Augustine beheld a God he longed to surrender to, but struggled to do the exact surrendering for which he longed. He already wrestled with every intellectual ideal of the time, and concluded they all fell short at the beauty of this Creator. He had no more intellectual excuses to not surrender to Christ, but something kept him from feeling free to do so. As he said, he, "was mad to be whole and dying to live," meaning he was longing for the freedom Jesus offered him. Yet, his attachment to his educational prestige held him back from joining the people his pride labelled as the "unlearned" pious folk. A challenging question Augustine left for modern Catholic education is: To what extent do we let our educational vision lead us to Christ versus to a Narcissus-like image of ourselves?
But I was mad to be whole and dying to live" (Augustine 146-147).
After Augustine surrendered to God's grace and decided to become baptized, he had one more thing to leave behind: the emotionally and spiritually unhealthy people in the education system who required him to deny his belief system to maintain his status as a respected educator. When he decided to become baptized, one of the first changes he confessed needing to make was to leave his teaching career because it was dangerous for him. He said he would resign imminently, "so that having been purchased by [God] I should no longer sell myself" (Augustine 156). Anyone (employer, friend, significant other) who requires you to "sell" yourself in order to maintain that person's definition of success in the relationship is dangerous. Augustine even added he would leave discreetly to avoid "whatever deceitful tongue would have thwarted us by pretending to advise us, and any who would have devoured us out of love, as people devour the food they love" (Confessions 156). Augustine clearly felt trapped by people in a toxic work culture who viewed him as an object to maintain their inflated sense of prestige. I find it beautiful how in the life of this saint, we see Jesus offering freedom not only from his own sins, but also freedom from other people's sins. Christ-like love never enables unhealthy behavior (spiritual or emotional); it always calls for true conversion.
One unhealthy behavior I have been making progress to stop enabling is vanity that manifests itself in people pleasing. During a silent retreat I attended a few years ago, the retreat leader led a refreshing examination of conscience on the seven deadly sins, one of which is vanity. To someone first hearing of this examination of conscience, you might think it sounds harsh, but I promise it was not. It was refreshing because it shed so much light on how vanity was trapping me in ways I never saw before. As the retreat leader guided the retreat attendees to examine whether or not vanity was a sin they struggled with, one of the questions she asked was, "Do you struggle with being overly sensitive to other people's opinions or criticisms of you?" The moment she spoke those words, I felt something inside my heart shatter. The answer was yes, yes, yes, absolutely yes.
The moment she spoke those words, I felt something inside my heart shatter. The answer was yes, yes, yes, absolutely yes.
When I read St. Augustine's story, I knew I needed to create this painting in such a way to challenge the viewer to honestly reflect on how vanity manifests itself in his or her life through people pleasing. For me, I realized during that retreat how I spent so much of my life curating the way I presented myself to fit other people's expectations. For Augustine, he spent so much of his life curating the way he presented himself to fit his colleague's expectations. I needed to realize this unhealthy habit was actually a manifestation of vanity because for the longest time I chalked it up to being considerate, even though it never sat well with me. The change of mindset that God's grace gave me on the retreat led me to begin living in a much more free, fulfilled way. I began pursuing more of my dreams and favorite activities. I invested more time into friendships that nourished me instead of stole from me. And yes, I said goodbye to a lot of people who turned out to ask me to be someone I am not. While there were some growing pains, the joy and freedom I received from saying "yes" to Jesus' invitation to surrender to Him were infinitely more valuable than anything I can describe. Like St. Augustine, I was "mad to be whole and dying to live." Jesus met this "madness" and "death" with the fulfillment of His resurrection.
St. Augustine's story offers the modern person three uncomfortable, but freeing challenges: to consider the reality of intellectual vanity, to walk away from unhealthy environments, and to stop people pleasing. Education is very good, as is every gift from God. However, it is only good inasmuch as we let it lead us to Christ. When our education gives us an inflated image of ourselves, it becomes a tool for evil. Working hard is also very good. However, it is certainly not good to sell yourself to a work environment that demands you sacrifice the things that make you who you are, like Augustine did. Finally, being considerate of other people is good when it is truly good for everyone involved. However, it is not good when our "considerate" behavior is actually a masked attempt to manipulate how other people view us. For St. Augustine, vanity was the sin that kept him trapped and feeling "mad to be whole and dying to live." Is there something in your life that leaves you feeling that way too? I invite you to choose the freedom Jesus offers.
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